I wonder why I keep building my life around this illusion. It just complicates everything. But even though I'm asking the question I know the answer. I am well aware of the risks, but I love him. And for once I want to be loved as well.
   And my father hates me, and I don't want it to be like that, but I can't help but thinking it will only make leaving a lot easier. I'm sorry.

I never meant for this to go down this way, I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for?

Friday afternoon

Today I went to Täby with A and J, from school. We were supposed to find J a spring jacket but we bought some other stuff too. And I, who have a shopping ban even bought a shirt. It wasn't expensive, and it looked nice so I bought it. I'm sorry.

And on our way to get some coffee we stayed and talked to a salesman for Qomviq, the mobile operator. And he had a really good deal so I'm changing to Qomviq. It will bring down my costs a lot. So thank you very much!

Then I bought myself a blueberry pie. We had a nice time even though I spent a little money...

The shirt and the pie

Sunny day

I'm sitting outside on our porch. The sun's still up and the temperature is really comfortable. Today I only had one lesson and it was golf so the rest of the day I've spend lying in the sun at a friends house. It was very nice. But I got burned... My chest and my back is so red it's ridiculous. But it'll turn to brown soon, so I guess it'll be alright (isn't it weird how I only care about my physical appearance and don't even think about that it's dangerous?)

But I'm off to my grandmother's now, it's her birthday and we're all going there for dinner. See you soon!

Göteborgs Basket

I've been lazy again. Sorry!

I'm trying to pack, I'm always last minute doing everything. That's how you forget things people! I hope you didn't miss that I'm going to Gothenburg to play basketball. I haven't seen my team in maybe a month but it'll be lots of fun. I don't think there'll be a team next year so this will be the final thing with the team. It's sad cause basketball has after all been a big part of my life for so long and now it's coming to an end. It's weird. I haven't really thought about it but now I'm getting really emotional.

Well, well. I just have to make sure this trip will be the best it can be and then we'll have to see what happens.

Rix FM

Today I'm going in to Kungsträdgården to Rix FM Festival. It's going to be fun, I hope.

School was okay, not many people were there so... But it feels like I really didn't do much. At first I helped S with her English instead of going to German- class. And then I went to that for about thirty minutes. Then we had History without a teacher, so yeah we did really much on that lesson. Then we had math, and that teacher was also absent but we tried to find his substitute for attendance, but we failed so we went to eat. Then we sat and listened to music and then we had Swedish for forty minutes and that was it.

I don't know when I'm going but it'll be in an hour or so. I'm going home to A first, I think.

Loose pants

I don't really have time for this, cause I am really slow this thursday morning. I just put on my black jeans that I bought just before we went to Tunisia, I think. They're supposed to be tight and there was absolutely no way I could fit in to a smaller size. But they're loose now. It kind of scares me a bit. I want to be thinner, esepcially my but. I don't know. It's weird. After so many years of trying and now that I don't do anything I just lose weight? And it's never positive that your clothes don't fit, especially when you are not permitted to shop.


I'm really sad right now cause I lost my bracelet - that I bought in Tunisia.


Today was not so hard. We started out with our National Exams in math. It was supposed to take four hours but it only took us about two, so we went home to A's house. Then we went back to school to eat and to have English, where I did my oral National Exams. It went well but really I didn't say much. Afterwards I was supposed to go home but I ended up going back to A with A and J. We also bought some soda and chocolate on the way there. And we watched a movie, it was supposed to be scary but it was only disgusting. And I also found out that I had practice, and I had no one to give me a ride. I called everyone I could think of, but no. Well, I hurried home and ran around like crazy trying to find clothes and get my clubs ready. And then I rushed down to the train and from the station I walked across the golf course and that was it!

I didn't have the guts to confront our coaches about anything of what I complain about. I'm such a coward.

Back home and sick

I know I haven't written in a while, but I've been away. Me and my friend S went to Karlskrona to play a competition. It turns out that our coaches thought it was really unnecessary. Thanks for letting us know before we signed up for it! And thanks for letting the word spread so that we hear it from someone else. It was just one of many things right now, coming from them.

Well, I am really cold right now. I am sick, I have a soar throat and a cold. I don't think I have a fever, but I really don't feel well. I went to school this morning, but only for math. Then I went home and I've been doing nothing. I slept for maybe two hours earlier and I've just been sitting in front of the TV, too tired to do anything else.

National Tests

I met my English teacher this morning. I had to talk to her about missing the National Test on Friday. Have I forgot to tell you I'm going to Carlskrona on a competition? But she told me that she'd read my essay I wrote this Monday. She said it was very good. It made me so happy cause it felt good when I wrote it and the worst thing is when it feels good but you get a bad result. So I was in a good mood for a while.

Then I had the first part of the tests in German. This was reading. I think it was kind of hard, but falling asleep doesn't exactly make it easier. Yes, you hear me, I fell asleep! During a test! Well, well. At the end I got some energy back and I think I was able to complete the test like I would have without sleeping.

I really want to get a good grade in German, but my teacher is really hard and it's not at all easy. But I'm worried about math. Cause I really don't think I've understood enough to get a VG. Which is the result I want to reach. I'm fine with a VG, when did this happen? No, I'm just kidding.

Well, I'm kind of hungry so I guess I'll go eat some more white bread and fool my stomach that I've given it some energy and something to feed from. I have to eat better.


Why is always everything bad happening at the same time? If it wasn't for you I'd feel really hopeless and alone. Thank you so much for being there for me.
The beach in Tunisia

not again

It hurts so bad.


And I really hope that next time I'm flying it'll be to Tunisia and to you.


We're back from Liverpool. We had a good time but it was weird. I really panicked a few times. Really I don't know why, but I got through it ok.

And there were a lot of complaints about one of the girls, and it made me see her differently. I hate that I'm so easily effected by what other people say about people.

And I know people were talking about me behind my back. I know that I'm not how you want me to be. And I know that I can't give you the reason to my behavior in some situations, but it's just because I know that you wouldn't understand. I like you, but you're no different from everybody else and I'm so sick of everyone always telling me the same thing: That I'm wrong, ridiculous and that I should stop feeling so sorry for myself.

I just can't take those comments, they're always echoing in my head anyway, I don't need to hear them from you as well. I just don't.


RSS 2.0