[Papperstrassel]

I called the food store about a part time job, but they didn't have anything available at the moment. So I have to continue my search. My sister suggested that I should call another food store, and I'm thinking about doing that. I'm also going to look for jobs on a web page and then I've decided to try to sell some stuff on the internet. I have some clothes that I never use and some other things, and then I might even sell a bracelet I did a while ago.

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I just happened to look out the window and what I saw was really beautiful but really depressing. My neighbor shoveling snow. In December that is mostly welcomed but now, in March, I would like the snow to just go away. And today we got a lot of snow. It has been snowing the entire day. And you know what? I have my first driving lesson tomorrow. In snow.

I've been really careless with food lately. I eat barely no real food at all. I make sandwiches in a grill or just eat a hamburger, and between that I drink soda and eat ice cream and stuff. Really not good, especially since I feel so stressed all the time.

I spoke to my guidance counselor today, and she told me some good news. Since I have enough subjects without it, it's possible for me to skip Social Studies next year. I've signed up for so many subjects it's insane. I have no idea how I'll manage it all. But I'll just have to plan everything really good. I can do it.

And i also asked her about some of the new rules regarding improving your grades and adding subjects, which I write about at the moment. So now I feel a little better about everything.

So, I've decided to get a part time job. I'm just so bad, have big issues with picking up the phone and just ask them. I'm thinking about a food store nearby. I really need some more money, but I'm afraid they'll want someone that can work more hours than me. Because of my practice I can't work so much, but I won't know unless I try. I was thinking that I could work one day after school and on weekends, although I have to take time off every now and then so that I can participate in golf competitions and such. We might be able to work something out.

Okay, so I just called them. They told me to call back between 7- 15. So I will try again tomorrow.

I didn't know how expensive it is to fly! It's insane! That is money that I'm not even close to having at the moment. If I were to do absolutely nothing for two months, I still wouldn't be able to fly! Well, I guess that I, at some point, have to tell my parents and at the same time beg them to give me a little money in advance. I can play with the idea, but everyone knows it won't happen. There is no way they would let me go even if I'd had all the money I needed. I feel so stupid for wasting all the money I had on an iPod. Very unnecessary. I'm such a stupid person. Wah!

I don't want to waste my life waiting, but at this point, what else can I do? If I don't let this pursue I will just go back to what I had, which was something I didn't want to have. I wanted something else. I wanted, I wouldn't say I wanted this, but something similar to this. But then again, leaving you behind, who can say my chances are ruined?

Okay, I can. It's you or nothing. But regardless of how mean I sound when I say that, I don't mean that you are bad in some way. But the circumstances are. They really suck.

Well, I will find something more interesting  to say tomorrow. Maybe go back to complaining about school?

I just watched Confessions of a Shopaholic. I didn't like it that much, but I can see if others do.

I keep thinking and thinking but it seems as though nothing actually comes out of my thoughts. Well, anyway. I'm going to take a short nap, I think. So that I will have some energy left tonight.

So I'm free from school today, but I still have to study. I have a match test tomorrow, and it's evidently hard according to another class that did the same test yesterday. And on Monday I have this Swedish thing to turn in. I know what to write about but I haven't started yet. And I think we're reading it out loud in the class so I have to make sure it's exceptionally good too, so that they won't reject it too much.

And I've realized I'm way too desperate. I have to be a lot cooler about things. But that's the opposite to how I feel. I'll try but it will be hard. I'm literally counting down the minutes all the time. Waiting for hours, hoping for something that won't happen. Wanting something that's practically impossible. So stupid.

It feels like I've been neglecting this. I probably have. Yesterday I waited for a text for several hours although I knew it wouldn't come until about eleven o'clock. The text would tell me to log on to MSN. But when it came (I was really tired at this point) it said that it wasn't possible today. To speak, that is. On MSN. My apologizes for that really weird sentence.

And the day before that I was chatting, i was lying in my bed. And then I was going to put my computer aside and I happened to put it too close to the edge, so it fell. It fell into my radiator and then on to the floor. It didn't get damaged, but the chord's a little bit bent. But it works fine so it's okay. I'm just so stupid.

The normal routine is set in place again. Go to school, feel bad, come home and study until you go to bed etra early just so that you can have energy to do it all over again. I'm studying for an exam in Social Studies we have tomorrow. But I can't really focus. I just want to go back to Tunisia. Everything sucks. And instead of complaining I should do something about it, but I really don't know what to do about it.

I literarily fell asleep nine o'clock yesterday. I was watching video clips on http://www.youtube.com/ and I just felt my eyelids closing over and over again. So I decided to go to bed. Then I got woken up at eleven, but it didn't matter cause I had rested a while so it was cool.
   And I'm skipping practice today just so that I can have more time studying. And maybe, maybe I can score high on at least one test this year so that I won't feel totally lousy.

Feel free to call me crazy but I've been trying to check flights back to Tunisia. I'm just not comfortable being here, I hate school, the weather is awful and there's just nothing here that I can enjoy. And of course I want things to lead somewhere with you know who. It's a hopeless situation, I think. Even if there would be any flights, and if they weren't too expensive it would be really hard to explain it to everyone. Especially my parents. I just don't know what to do and it's killing me.

I keep getting texted. Not as often as I would like but often enough to make me want more and more and more. Maybe it's just a trick from his side. It feels kind of strange, actually. Not knowing like this. They're so cute and I melt a little bit each time I see those words that he's written. It's incredible.

I've been playing it over and over. It reminds me of someone special and I want to be reminded in every way I can.

I feel like another person. Things that has happened during the last few days has changed me. I've lied to my parents about a thousand times already and it's not going the right way from here either. I don't know what happened. I just changed. I grew, I've evolved.

It was just different. When a dream comes true you just stand there unaware of everything. At times I doubt my own memory. Did it really happen? But I know it did. When I fainted yesterday, I really thought it hadn't happen. It's all very surreal. Strange. But it changed me in other ways. I did what I did, and then I became something else than what I was before. Not for doing what I did, maybe for feeling what I felt? I don't know. It's all very complicated.