I'm so freaking tired! I'm in Landskrona playing golf and I haven't gotten much sleep the last two days. Not that I usually do nowadays going to bed at 00.30 but... Yesterday we got up at 3.30 to make it down here in time and even though I went to bed early and slept a little in the car I was still, not surprisingly, tired. This morning we got up at six, to go out jogging. It was kind of nice starting the day like that, but I am way too hungry to do that really. Now, we didn't run very fast or long, just about 15 minutes so maybe 3 km.

Well, I guess that I'll, at ten o'clock, go to bed so that maybe I won't spend the whole tomorrow yawning. Maybe, If I'm lucky maybe I can sleep a little longer, cause I'm not playing until the afternoon.


going away from all shit

I'm going away for a few days, to Landscrona. We're playing golf. It'll be really cold but I think that this is a great opportunity for me to prove myself and to learn a lot of memorable things.

I will really miss someone though. A lot. But I'll manage, because I'm strong. And I will try to think about other things, things that I should be thinking of. Maybe this is good? To not being able to talk to each other might do us good. Put things in perspective.

I will be back Thursday evening, but I don't think I will write then.

Have the best week!

A few pounds lighter

I've lost some weight. I really haven't been trying to and I don't exactly know why. I know I haven't been eating good food, and perhaps not too much other food either. But at the same time I've slept really bad lately and that should make it harder to lose weight. And right now I feel kind of dizzy, wondering if it's because of that.

Anyway, I should just concentrate on eating healthy. And next week I'm going away for a few days, and hopefully there will be good food made for me, cause then I don't have to cook but I can still eat properly.


I'm really sorry for not wiritng! It just feels like I'm out of things to say.

My monday

I'm sitting at home, working on my résumé. And at the same time I'm drinking soda and eating Tortilla chips. And I just thought: "This is how you get fat:" I know that as long as I exercise that won't be a pressing issue, but I mean. It's clearly not healthy. And it will most definitely not do anything good for my practice. I don't know, it seems as though I've been eating really unhealthy food ever since I got back from Tunisia. But I guess I'm just eating less regular food.

Today, I was actually happy in school. We started the day at the gym, doing exercises with free weights, and I do get a kick from physical effort. Something about the endorphins, right? And then we had English and we really didn't do much. I was kind of laughing at some memories and I read the final pages of my book, The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini. It's a very good book and I highly recommend it to everyone that likes to read and have an interest in personal development and moral issues.
   But back to my day at school, after the English lesson we had PE. And today a girl in our class held it. We did, I have no idea what you call it in English, Friskis & Svettis. It was fun, but I'm not good enough as far as performing the movements so that I can get a really good exercise from it. But she did a good job, although she could have taken it a bit slower and more basic since most of the class had never done this type of exercise before.

After that we went to lunch, and it was okay. Absolutely eatable. And then we listened to a few speeches in Swedish. One was exceptionally good. Really well made and well executed. And then we had Swedish again and me and my group held a presentation about Fjodor Dostojevskij (and I'm really sorry if I've spelled it wrong, but it's not an easy name). I think that our Swedish teacher is a really good teacher, because he explain things and make sure that we really learn them. And he also has a very good communication with all students. But some of his tasks is ridiculous. And they really bring me agony that influences everything I do.

Oh well. Then I went home and slept the whole afternoon. I guess I got home quite late so I didn't sleep that long but still. And now I'm here. Trying to find a place where I can work. Waiting for someone to log on to MSN so that we can talk. But I doubt this someone will. I'd better get back to my résumé now.

it's time for spring

I'm tired of waiting for the stupid spring. It should have been here weeks ago! So I'm taking matters into my own hands. I'm going to start wearing spring clothes, not the jacket though cause my winter jacket looks a lot better.
But my sister told me that the newspaper said spring was coming next week. We can always hope but they're not always right.

To get in the right mood

Selling stuff

I called the food store about a part time job, but they didn't have anything available at the moment. So I have to continue my search. My sister suggested that I should call another food store, and I'm thinking about doing that. I'm also going to look for jobs on a web page and then I've decided to try to sell some stuff on the internet. I have some clothes that I never use and some other things, and then I might even sell a bracelet I did a while ago.

What do you think? Are you interested? Write a comment!

armband ring

I drove today!

I had my first driving lesson today. It didn't go so bad for the first time, I think. I had a little difficulties but that's only normal, right? I'm not worried anyway. But I did drive a lot more among other drivers than I thought I would, so it was a little bit scary, but it went alright. It was fun, and that's really the only thing that matters, so.

Can't the snow just go away?

I just happened to look out the window and what I saw was really beautiful but really depressing. My neighbor shoveling snow. In December that is mostly welcomed but now, in March, I would like the snow to just go away. And today we got a lot of snow. It has been snowing the entire day. And you know what? I have my first driving lesson tomorrow. In snow.

Food and school

I've been really careless with food lately. I eat barely no real food at all. I make sandwiches in a grill or just eat a hamburger, and between that I drink soda and eat ice cream and stuff. Really not good, especially since I feel so stressed all the time.

I spoke to my guidance counselor today, and she told me some good news. Since I have enough subjects without it, it's possible for me to skip Social Studies next year. I've signed up for so many subjects it's insane. I have no idea how I'll manage it all. But I'll just have to plan everything really good. I can do it.

And i also asked her about some of the new rules regarding improving your grades and adding subjects, which I write about at the moment. So now I feel a little better about everything.

Looking for a job. You hiring?

So, I've decided to get a part time job. I'm just so bad, have big issues with picking up the phone and just ask them. I'm thinking about a food store nearby. I really need some more money, but I'm afraid they'll want someone that can work more hours than me. Because of my practice I can't work so much, but I won't know unless I try. I was thinking that I could work one day after school and on weekends, although I have to take time off every now and then so that I can participate in golf competitions and such. We might be able to work something out.

Okay, so I just called them. They told me to call back between 7- 15. So I will try again tomorrow.

The price of ruining the environment

I didn't know how expensive it is to fly! It's insane! That is money that I'm not even close to having at the moment. If I were to do absolutely nothing for two months, I still wouldn't be able to fly! Well, I guess that I, at some point, have to tell my parents and at the same time beg them to give me a little money in advance. I can play with the idea, but everyone knows it won't happen. There is no way they would let me go even if I'd had all the money I needed. I feel so stupid for wasting all the money I had on an iPod. Very unnecessary. I'm such a stupid person. Wah!

the stress is really getting to me

I am so stressed out. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. This melancholy is killing me. I'm sitting at my desk trying to write this chronicle for tomorrow. And I am actually passionate about my subject, but I'm just not moving forward. Sure, I write a couple of lines, and I'm filling up the paper but it has no content. I say my opinions, but where did I lose my language knowledge. I'm often a good writer, he usually think of my work as good. I can't lose it now, not this once when we're supposed to read my text out loud. I'm scared, really scared.

But mostly I think about you. You keep my mind off of everything else that I do. I can't practice without you in my head, I can't study with my head clear. If I'd known the affect you've made on me I probably wouldn't have done what I did. But done is done. I can't change it and I just have to try and get you out of my head.

But back to the stress. I know this is really bad, and I can assure you that I won't do this, but I really feel like smoking. And drinking for that matter. Just to release the stress a bit. I don't want to give you any ideas or something, I know that this is the one time you absolutely shouldn't drink or smoke. I won't. I really won't. But I do feel like it a lot.

God, this is hard. Really, really hard. Soon, I'm going to get fat, cause I can't sit still and instead of smoking or drinking, I eat. Not such a good idea either, but I don't know what else to do. I'm going to study a bit more right now and then I'll probably watch a movie. I did the same thing yesterday and then I fell asleep, so I didn't have to sit around waiting all day.

Thought I'd upload a picture of some flowers I shot in Tunisia. Maybe it can reduce my stress?

tunisien blommor

Choosing the impossible

I don't want to waste my life waiting, but at this point, what else can I do? If I don't let this pursue I will just go back to what I had, which was something I didn't want to have. I wanted something else. I wanted, I wouldn't say I wanted this, but something similar to this. But then again, leaving you behind, who can say my chances are ruined?

Okay, I can. It's you or nothing. But regardless of how mean I sound when I say that, I don't mean that you are bad in some way. But the circumstances are. They really suck.

Well, I will find something more interesting  to say tomorrow. Maybe go back to complaining about school?

Confessions of a Shopaholic

I just watched Confessions of a Shopaholic. I didn't like it that much, but I can see if others do.

I keep thinking and thinking but it seems as though nothing actually comes out of my thoughts. Well, anyway. I'm going to take a short nap, I think. So that I will have some energy left tonight.


I don't feel like I did yesterday at all.
  And I noticed that I'm changing. I didn't think I would, but I am. It's weird. I don't even know if it's for the better or for worse. We'll just have to wait and see. But I do know that I've always wanted to change so maybe it's a good thing.


I'm not stupid. I know you're avoiding it. I have no idea how you feel, I'm actually quite confused. But I do know that you don't feel the same way that I do. And that alone is enough to break this off. The choice is between you and no one. I am aware of that. But I also think that the pain you cause me is enough for me to make that decision. It's not easy. Never. And I assure you that if I do choose this way, I will have thought hard about it and decided it's the best way.

But whatever happens you will always be in my heart, no matter what there's no avoiding that. And sometime I might even tell you why.

Just, no matter what I choose, it's not what I want. Cause what I want I can't have.

A day off

So I'm free from school today, but I still have to study. I have a match test tomorrow, and it's evidently hard according to another class that did the same test yesterday. And on Monday I have this Swedish thing to turn in. I know what to write about but I haven't started yet. And I think we're reading it out loud in the class so I have to make sure it's exceptionally good too, so that they won't reject it too much.

And I've realized I'm way too desperate. I have to be a lot cooler about things. But that's the opposite to how I feel. I'll try but it will be hard. I'm literally counting down the minutes all the time. Waiting for hours, hoping for something that won't happen. Wanting something that's practically impossible. So stupid.

hey there delilah

Loved it when I first heard it. Got sick of it when it six months later came to Sweden and got played on the radio all the time. When J said it was about her and her boyfriend I hated it. I see us in it, now.

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you

We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

I'm such a clot

It feels like I've been neglecting this. I probably have. Yesterday I waited for a text for several hours although I knew it wouldn't come until about eleven o'clock. The text would tell me to log on to MSN. But when it came (I was really tired at this point) it said that it wasn't possible today. To speak, that is. On MSN. My apologizes for that really weird sentence.

And the day before that I was chatting, i was lying in my bed. And then I was going to put my computer aside and I happened to put it too close to the edge, so it fell. It fell into my radiator and then on to the floor. It didn't get damaged, but the chord's a little bit bent. But it works fine so it's okay. I'm just so stupid.

And the pressure has reappeared

The normal routine is set in place again. Go to school, feel bad, come home and study until you go to bed etra early just so that you can have energy to do it all over again. I'm studying for an exam in Social Studies we have tomorrow. But I can't really focus. I just want to go back to Tunisia. Everything sucks. And instead of complaining I should do something about it, but I really don't know what to do about it.

I literarily fell asleep nine o'clock yesterday. I was watching video clips on and I just felt my eyelids closing over and over again. So I decided to go to bed. Then I got woken up at eleven, but it didn't matter cause I had rested a while so it was cool.
   And I'm skipping practice today just so that I can have more time studying. And maybe, maybe I can score high on at least one test this year so that I won't feel totally lousy.

Go back???

Feel free to call me crazy but I've been trying to check flights back to Tunisia. I'm just not comfortable being here, I hate school, the weather is awful and there's just nothing here that I can enjoy. And of course I want things to lead somewhere with you know who. It's a hopeless situation, I think. Even if there would be any flights, and if they weren't too expensive it would be really hard to explain it to everyone. Especially my parents. I just don't know what to do and it's killing me.

I keep getting texted. Not as often as I would like but often enough to make me want more and more and more. Maybe it's just a trick from his side. It feels kind of strange, actually. Not knowing like this. They're so cute and I melt a little bit each time I see those words that he's written. It's incredible.

To tell someone

I told F everything yesterday. It's like she answered some sort of a prayer logging in to MSN. I needed to tell someone. And if you're going to tell someone something like this, F is a good person to tell.

It was good, even though she couldn't give me any advice it felt good afterwards. I felt happy sharing it with someone rather than having it hanging over me and filling up every inch of me. It still does, but it feels easier now.

Well, as usual I got to go to school now. The break was well needed and I'm sorry it's over.

big big world

I've been playing it over and over. It reminds me of someone special and I want to be reminded in every way I can.


"I'm a big big girl
 in a big big world
 It's not a big big thing if you leave me
 but I do do feel that
 I do do will miss you much
 miss you much...
 I can see the first leaf falling
 it's all yellow and nice
 It's so very cold outside
 like the way I'm feeling inside
 I'm a big big girl
 in a big big world
 It's not a big big thing if you leave me
 but I do do feel that
 I do do will miss you much
 miss you much...

 Outside it's now raining
 and tears are falling from my eyes
 why did it have to happen
 why did it all have to end
 I'm a big big girl
 in a big big world
 It's not a big big thing if you leave me
 but I do do feel that
 I do do will miss you much
 miss you much...
 I have your arms around me ooooh like fire
 but when I open my eyes
 you're gone...
 I'm a big big girl
 in a big big world
 It's not a big big thing if you leave me
 but I do do feel that
 I do do will miss you much
 miss you much...
 I'm a big big girl
 in a big big world
 It's not a big big thing if you leave me
 but I do feel I will miss you much
 miss you much..."


I feel like another person. Things that has happened during the last few days has changed me. I've lied to my parents about a thousand times already and it's not going the right way from here either. I don't know what happened. I just changed. I grew, I've evolved.

It was just different. When a dream comes true you just stand there unaware of everything. At times I doubt my own memory. Did it really happen? But I know it did. When I fainted yesterday, I really thought it hadn't happen. It's all very surreal. Strange. But it changed me in other ways. I did what I did, and then I became something else than what I was before. Not for doing what I did, maybe for feeling what I felt? I don't know. It's all very complicated.

what do you think?

I was supposed to write yesterday, but I was too lazy to upload a picture so I didn't.

I woke up yesterday morning and began to unpack my bag. I usually have a suitcase lying on my floor a long time after I come home from a vacation, so I thought I'd change that. After finishing that I cleaned the bathroom and vacuum cleaned the whole house.

And after that I had to go to the pharmacy, something I couldn't really tell my parents so I said I would go out for a walk. Everything was fine until I came to the pharmacy and found what I was looking for. It was really expensive and I was 10 kronor short. So I called my sister and asked if she were on her way home, so that she could lend me some money. She wasn't. But she asked me if I wanted to tag along and get a piercing. I've planned to get one for a while, after coming home from Tunisia, so I went along. And now I have a piercing in my bellybutton. It burns a little, and I have to be very careful about movements. I'm a little worried about training and stuff, I can't really tell people in case they would tell my parents, but I guess it'll be fine. 
   It hurt a little bit, but it was alright. Afterwards the guy who pierced us asked me if I was feeling dizzy. I wasn't, so I said no. And right when I'd stopped talking I started to feel dizzy. He was like: "Feel free to lay down." And I remember thinking that maybe I should. Then it was like I was dreaming, with the same thing that's always on my mind at the moment (for me to know and for you to not find out). And I wake up and see four faces just staring at me, while I'm lying down in the piercing studio. I understood that I'd fainted and I just started laughing, I don't know why. But it sure was funny. Don't you think? It might have something to do with eating less than half a sandwich and not drinking anything for the whole day. But I didn't just faint, they told me. I got like this epileptic seizure. I was like "you should have filmed it!". HAHA.

Sorry if the picture's disgusting. I like the jewelry, I thought I'd get this really ugly thing but I think it really looks good.

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